Memo to all women before World Cup Season Begins

The following terms are not negotiable. All decisions are final.

1) You are relieved of all your duties as Head Remote Custodian and Head Operator of the TV and remote with immediate effect. You may reapply for the position in 30 days if you deliver refreshments during halftime for at least 75% of the matches.

2) You are also relieved of all your duties as Head Screamer and Director in charge of Noise making with immediate effect. Any man in the house will take over that position and utilize it at their discretion.

3) Thou shall not walk infront of the TV during the game EXCEPT during halftime. Even then, you should have A VERY GOOD REASON and even so, crawl across and make minimal noises.

4) Thou shall not talk to me at any time during the game about anything non-football. I will however give you ten seconds if you burn at least 75% of your hair and if its still smoking.

5) Thou shall not expect to be held during a game. If you insist on being held, and my team scores, and I feel like celebrating, I will not be held accountable to any injuries you may (AND MOST POSSIBLY WILL) incur as a result of my sudden movements.

6) In every supermarket, there are Thermos flasks of various sizes. Kindly buy one that you are sure will fit all your moods, put all those moods ESPECIALLY PMS related moods inside the flask and tightly cork it. Call DHL and have them deliever it to the land called FAR FAR AWAY. You can retrieve the flask with your moods intact one day after the world cup.

7) Under no circumstances SHOULD YOU TOUCH THE REMOTE except if you are cleaning it or changing the batteries. Even then, kindly come with a letter from UNEP showing clearly that if its not cleaned, the earth will get infected.

8) If my team wins, you are NOT ALLOWED to bitch about it. I can throw a tantrum, refuse to eat,refuse to talk to you and basically anything else you do when you have PMS.

9) Your galfriends have been BANNED from the living room forthwith. If they must come to the living room, they are adviced to apply for a Visa before 12 noon today. Oops. Time's up!

10) If any of the above seem unfair, well, ... IT IS UNFAIR and ITS MEANT TO BE. DEAL WITH IT!

NB: The above terms do not apply to any female football fans or any woman who knows all football game rules off-head.

Follow me on twitter

Become a facebook fan